


Nightfall

by wildrosesandpeonies



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabbles, F/M, Family, Gen, break-up, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 23:03:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2086473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildrosesandpeonies/pseuds/wildrosesandpeonies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I heard the song "Love's No Friend" by Rainbow, it reminded me of Sara and her s2 journey. (It also inspired the title of my Smoaking Canary fanfic.) This is the song and corresponding vignettes of her interior mindset and additional sceneage between her and other characters. </p><p>A sort of character study to address the contradictions of her character. Canon-inspired but not necessarily canon compliant.</p><p>This was written pre-SDCC 2014 Sara spoilers. Not beta read, all mistakes mine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightfall

I  
"Well I don't Need Much  
But I need a Friend  
Or did you get time for Me  
Ain't No Trouble when you're always down  
To find a Friend in Misery"

"Oliver, you asked me to move in with you. You don't even have a place of your own, you live in the Foundry. How can you even consider asking me to move in with you when you haven't even invested yourself in finding a place?"

"You know how it is Sara. You lived in the Watchtower. There's no time to find a new place between saving Starling City and dealing with Slade and ----"

"Excuses, Oliver, and you know it. And you know why I lived in the Watchtower. I was hiding, I was off-grid. You had a home, you had a family, and you walked away. And now, look at you ---- look at us."

"What are saying Sara? That you don't care? That you don't think I care about you? I am invested in our relationship" Oliver trailed off, face going red with --- not anger but an almost irrational desire to deny the truth. He couldn't bear the thought of losing Sara yet again. Always again. Oliver fought that feeling because he knew he needed to keep himself level-headed even as he felt his desperation coming on. Sara remains seemingly unaffected though. 

"Yes, I know you care. I never doubted that. I have never doubted that at all. Not on the Island, not the on the Alanzo, not when I first came back months ago. But don't you remember? I said I loved you on the Alanzo, and you never said it back. I've been a ghost for five years --- and even when you reclaimed me, when you helped bring me back from the dead, you have never told me you loved me. Not once."

Her voice was starting to get uneven. She turned and walked across the room. She could hear Felicity coming. Thank god for Felicity coming. She knew when she got back with Oliver, she was settling. Settling for a lost innocence she could never return to. Settling for lost years that haunted her in her sleep of the person she might have been. But she had just wanted --- to be happy. She hadn't asked for love, only happiness. She knew things had changed, but it had felt so good to live in denial, even though she knew she couldn't bask in it forever.

The door opened and Felicity was coming downstairs. Diggle would be coming shortly as well. Time to wrap up whatever this was. Felicity kept her head down sensing that Sara and Oliver were at it again. 

Sara turned. She didn't want Felicity to avoid her --to avoid them. God damn it though! How did things always end up so messy? Felicity's expression said "I know you're not done yet. I'll come back." Wordlessly, silently, she went straight to her computer. 

Yet, even though Felicity kept her distance from them, Sara couldn't but look at her. 

I know what Felicity is to him even if he doesn't or won't admit it. I'm glad he still has a peace, a light, but that's not me. That's crap to me. I know why they need it for Starling City, but I'm different. I can never be that girl for Oliver --- and I won't be. I've tried being that girl and it's NOT me. 

Sara smiled ruefully to herself. Death in any fashion seemed easier than having to breakup with Oliver. She knew it was the right thing to do. But it would be hard. She had never broken up with anyone before. She had run--or died. Now, she had to face up her fears and end this. 

But I know I'll be alright. My darkness might be too much for Oliver, but it is enough for me. I've still done some good even if I have given my soul to the Devil.

II

"That's Alright  
That's alright  
Don't need no sun to shine  
Cuz love's no friend of mine"

"No woman should ever suffer at the hands of men."

Glorious Sin. Such a survivor. Sara had felt the bond years ago as a dying man gave her a photograph and asked her to look out for his little girl. Sara knew this was her saving grace. Whatever she had done in the League, whatever she must still atone for past and present, at least she had finally found her and could protect her. 

"A former boyfriend..."

"We're both ghosts. We both died on that island."

Sin. Sin. How ironic that the girl she saved, that she had promised to look over was named Sin. Oliver did not need to know abou her yet. Neither did Quentin. Dear Dad, who she had never forgot. 

"You're Cute."

"You're still cute."

Taking the poison--only to find herself revived. Revived and thrown into a whirlwind. Embraced by all, despite keeping her distance. Except she found herself melting. Melting into their embrace. Melting into lives of Starling City. Melting into the nightmares Oliver still had about Shado. Melting into embrace of her sister and forgiveness.

But I don't deserve forgiveness. Of course I know you've done horrible things too, Oliver, but I was part of the League. Of course, Laurel, you say I'm good, but if only you knew what I did in the past. If only you knew the things I've done. Oh, Sin. If only you knew how strongly connected we were. 

"To beat the unthinkable, you have to do the unthinkable.”

III  
"I've been so down, down on my knees  
Just don't seem to feel no pain  
Natural loser I've been on the run  
Got no shelter from the rain"

What was Ivo doing? Why was Ivo doing this? It was all flashing by her so fast. Oliver was saying something. CRACK! Shado was dead. 

I'm alive, but she's dead. I'm alive, but she's dead. 

That night, Sara lay on the hard ground fumbling with her thoughts. She could hear Oliver crying. She knew that woman meant something to him, something in a way she never did. But he had chosen her. But why this guilt? Why feel guilt that she was still alive?

I've done many terrible things this year, but death had has not been one of them. I deserve to be alive!

"Oliver. Oliver, did you love her?" She asked it quietly. So quietly her voice got lost in the darkness. She heard no reply back. Only the sound of wind picking up, only Oliver fumbling against the ground as he struggled to put the nightmare aside from him. She knew he was replaying the scene in his head, cuz she was replaying it too.

I will speak to Ivo. This was never supposed to happen. We agreed upon it. It could have been me.

She involuntarily shuttered as the stark realization hit her. It could have been her. She could have lying there, dead, on the ground. What right had any man to do this?

It's been a long day. I need sleep--rest. Oliver should cease feeling guilty. I'll talk to him soon. He must understand the impact that it could have been me. 

But restlessness kept pervailing. All she could think of was that woman--with a bullet wound to her head. 

No woman deserves to suffer at the hands of me.

"GA--HHHA"

"Sara, are you okay?"

She had gasp so loudly--startled up so loudly, she had got Oliver's attention. It finally hit her though. If she ever got off this horrible island, she would right that wrong. No woman deserved to have suffered as she had. No woman deserved to die as Shado had. It was not Oliver's fault one of them was alive, while the other was dead, but no woman should be bargained for like she was piece of property. 

Someday I'll make things right.

"Yes, Oliver. I'm sorry. I just-- let's try to get some sleep. We have so much to discuss with Slade."

She knew she sounded heartless, but perhaps it was better. She had never known until this happened --this ugly occurrence--that Oliver even had a heart. It was better not to have one. Better to protect oneself from the cruelties of the world. Still, if she didn't die here, she could at least protect others from the horrors she had seen, had committed.

III  
"But that's alright  
That's alright  
Ain't going for the line”

Oliver looked miserably at Sara. 

"You need someone who can still harness that inner light."

Sara was glad Felicity could hear this. She hadn't intended on breaking up with Oliver in front of Felicity but there you have it. She didn't have the courage to turn her head all the way over to Felicity's direction, but she turned her head. Get the clue Oliver!

Lovers in misery, that's what she and Oliver had been. Oh, they had thought they could redeem themeselves of the past -- together-- but then Slade showed up. Slade who reminded them once again of Shado. Always Shado. Shado lingered in Sara's thoughts even after all these years. She put on a brave face for Oliver because she didn't want to further guilt him, but she always thought of how that night could have ended differently.

I know Oliver also picked me because of what I said about him and Laurel. But always Laurel? No. That was just me wanting me to rub it in one last time before revealing myself. He got to come home months before I did, to settle in. He got his family back, while I could only hide from mine.

Friends in misery. That's what we are all.

 

IV

"Learn to weather, climb above my head  
Got no shame, got no pride  
If you need affection, don't knock on my door  
Got no feelings left inside"

"We're both ghosts, Oliver, we both died on that island."

No Sara we survived. Yes, but to become what? I'll go along with you Oliver, because I need to see my Dad, I need to see my family, I need to see home, but what are we now? Both ruthless killers. You and me, both.

"You're cute."

Well, this girl is awkward. Very awkward, but so good. I'm glad Oliver has her.

Sara is that you? But Dad doesn't know how I've changed. I've gone from the girl who he made take self-defense to someone who could snap a neck. He shouldn't see me, but I need him and Laurel to be safe. He shouldn't see him, but I need him again, even if he has to lie about me to Mom. I wish Mom could know.

Oliver is lucky to someone, to have two people. I had Nyssa but I ran into the night. I had to come back for my family, but I couldn't--didn't-- say goodbye to her. I know she wants me back, I want to go back, but I can't go back to that. To what I was, even if all that's left of me is a shell. I know I should tell Oliver and Dad why the Leage is really after me, but that would mean--would they judge me if they knew I loved her? The Beloved, My Beloved. 

Always Laurel, always. But -- perhaps not. 

I could take you down Diggle. Don't get in my way. Although I don't want you in my way because you might get thru to me. These are my friends, Oliver said. But do they know how he got that hood? Do they know the blood spilled on that island all in the name of a woman? All in the name of 'science'? Do they know what it feels like to know you've made a cold, heartless choice you can never take back, that leaves children crying in the middle of the night for their parents, whose threats have been cut, murdered in cold blood? Does Oliver know what it is to have murdered in cold blood?

V

 

That's allright  
That's allright  
Don't need no sun to shine

Cause love's no friend  
Cause love's no friend  
Ah no friend of mine  
Love's no friend of mine"

 

She decided to leave. She knew she was making a choice Oliver would object to, that Felicity and Diggle would object to, but now was not the time for petty arguments. Slade needed to taken down and if this was the only way, so be it. Besides, she had a friend she needed to talk to. Who wouldn't distract her with moral arguments about right or wrong, killing or not killing.

Let me help save you, he says with those pitiful eyes and tears that once chilled me long ago. Now, I’m seen him cry too often. I’ve seen his nightmares he tries to pretend don’t matter. I’ve seen I’m still twisted up in his past—on the Gambit, on the Island. He’s moving forward in the present, but I bring up memories of Shado that he wishes he could erase from his past.

I don’t believe in this crap that Oliver and Team Arrow do, but I do believe in justice, justice that comes from the darkness. I found myself in the darkness. I gave my soul to the Devil but I am whole, restored. I am what I am. I tried to be what I used to be -was- but that girl no longer exists. Whatever path I’m going on, it’s not with Oliver. It might not be with Nyssa, but it’s for me. I will return to the League to save the city— but it’s my choice. 

My life, my choice. Oliver told me how Felicity volunteered herself as bait for the Dollmaker. How Shado risked her life on the island. Have I ever had a choice? What would it mean to go back to the League? Would I lose my family again? What would be the consequences? But after Shado — died— due to a choice that nobody was able to make, what right have I worry about — 

Besides, even if I am not a hero, I can still save in my own way. Oliver, you can’t save me. You can’t change me. This is who I am. This is what I want to be. I believe — I believe the light is for you, but I found myself in the shadows. There is clarity in the shadows, there are animals that come out at night that we never see during the day. I am no longer a ghost, but I can still be.

**Author's Note:**

> Listen here for song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGQkJ7WTHqU
> 
> EDIT: Oct. 2, 2014. I asked Marc Guggenheim on twitter if "Shado's death = motivation behind Sara's line "no woman deserves to suffer at hands of men" or is there more to it than that?" He replied "More." 
> 
> Obviously, my fic limited by s2 information, but just thought you should know. I don't regret writing that part in the fanfic as it was all I had I to go by. But including edit so you guys know I'm well-aware my headcanon was ~limited.~


End file.
